Caviar and Revolution: Watching New York Flip from the Penthouse to Politburo

OH MY GOD, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN—NEW YORK, IS F**ked! YOU ABSOLUTE, BEDAZZLED MESSES!

It's November 2nd, 2025 Election Eve, and I'm holed up in this roach motel of a hotel room overlooking Times Square, where the tourists are still puking glow sticks from Halloween like it's a national sport. The city's not partying anymore; no, now it's cheering like a bunch of lobotomized lemmings at a DSA rally.

They're out there knocking on doors—your doors, my doors, the doors of that one guy who still thinks kale smoothies cure cancer—chanting "Zohran! Zohran!" like he's the second coming of a free MetroCard. And get this: while you're wiping the glitter off your "sexy Marxist" bodysuit from last week's clusterfuck, Zohran Mamdani's crew just dropped the ultimate plot twist. A little something called "Jews for Zohran"—yeah, you heard that right. Jews. For. Zohran. Because nothing screams "trust me, bro" like a squad of socialist Jews fronted by the niece of a China-based billionaire Marxist tycoon who's basically Beijing's favorite Hollywood extra.

SIX CLUBS ON HALLOWEEN? That was cute. That was amateur hour. Now it's global psy-op hour, courtesy of Neville "Roy" Singham—the guy who sold his software empire for $785 million, parked his ass in Shanghai, and started bankrolling every "progressive" protest from LA cop-hating screamfests to CodePink's "hug a Hamas operative" bake sales. His niece? Alicia Singham Goodwin—33, political director of Jews for Racial and Economic Justice (because why not mash up bagels and Bolsheviks?)—she's the one spearheading this "Jews for Zohran" fever dream.

She's out there on WBAI radio, bragging about their Jewish-only voter files and phone banks where Jews talk to Jews like it's a bar mitzvah speed-dating for the Intifada. "We developed talking points about antisemitism!" she chirps, as if defending "globalize the Intifada" isn't the political equivalent of yelling "Opa!" at a funeral.

AND THE FAMILY TIES? OH, HONEY.
Mom's Shanti Singham—department chair at some state-controlled commie college in Shanghai, pimping Confucius Institutes across Africa like they're the new Scientology. Dad? Daniel Goodwin—longtime exec at Uncle Roy's Thoughtworks, the company that probably coded your last Zoom therapy session. These two?

Donating max cash to Zohran from their Morningside Heights penthouse, the one with the view of all the peasants they're about to redistribute. Alicia's posing on Insta with Zohran and Jodie Evans—Roy's wife, CodePink founder, and the woman who thinks "peace" means funding every anti-Israel tantrum since 2008. House Republicans are sniffing around Roy for ties to those LA immigration riots? Good luck— the man's got more Beijing bucks than a Panda Express franchise.

Former Queens Councilman Rory Lancman's calling it "frightening"—understatement of the century! This is a kosher cover-up for a guy who bashes Israel harder than a vegan at a steakhouse. They're schmoozing Brad Lander, Jerry Nadler, even trying to drag Chuck Schumer and Dan Goldman into the fold. "Endorse him! Normalize the demonization!" Because nothing says "winning Jewish hearts" like a Singham family reunion in Red China. The majority of Jews support Israel? Tough shit—enter the Singham Safety Net, where antisemitism gets a rebrand as "anti-Zionist vibes" and your next Seder's sponsored by the People's Republic.

TWO MONTHS AGO, I TOLD YOU.
Cops gone, billionaires bolting, rent freezes, free buses, tofu trucks at dawn blaring the "Internationale" on tuba. Obama called him up—"Impressive, kid!"—like Barry's auditioning for the role of Comrade in Chief. Republicans waving the insurrection clause like it's Ex-Lax for their constipation of ideas. Youth vote? Instagram zombies? Disillusioned debt-slaves? All in the bag, knocking doors like it's the apocalypse bake sale.

BUT NOW? ELECTION EVE, YOU GLITTERED GOONS.
New York's out there cheering and canvassing like DSA's got the hookup for eternal youth and zero copays. "Yaaas, globalize the bagel!" They're organizing block parties that double as ballot-harvests, friends dragging friends to the polls like it's a cult initiation with craft kombucha. And Zohran's riding high on this "Jews for Zohran" wave—cover from the antisemitism stink, courtesy of a family that's basically the Manchurian Candidate's wet dream.

HERE'S THE REAL RANT, YOU SNIVELING SACRIFICE LAMBS:
Hold your fucking nose. PINCH IT TIGHT. Because if you let this Singham-Soros fever dream turn City Hall into a Shanghai satellite, we're all eating government-issued matzo ball soup with a side of surveillance cams. Organize with your friends—not like DSA's commie conga line, but like actual humans who remember what plumbing costs.

Text your group chat: "Abort mission, comrades—Cuomo or bust." Andrew Cuomo—that disgraced horndog governor with the nursing home scandals and the charisma of a wet sock—he's closing the gap in the polls, tightening this race like a noose on a bad toupee. He's no saint, but he's the bourgeois bulwark between us and tofu tyranny. Vote for Cuomo. VOTE FOR CUOMO. He's got the machine, the grudges, and enough Italian uncles to stuff ballots like cannoli. It's not sexy. It's not "woke." It's survival, you absolute clowns.

ME?

I'll be livestreaming from this fleabag, caviar crumbs on my bathrobe, cackling as the results roll in. If Zohran wins, pass the popcorn—Red Dawn's gonna be lit. If Cuomo squeaks it? I'll toast with a Solo cup of relief, but Zombies will burn NYC down to a crisp. Either way, New York's f*cked.

BUT HOLD YOUR NOSE AND VOTE CUOMO, YOU MASOCHISTIC MUPPETS.
OR DON'T. AND ENJOY YOUR NEW OVERLORDS.

NYC Voter Guide: Keeping It Sane in the Big Apple – 2025 Edition

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Global Breaking News You Can Use.Art Vendeley